Moonfall is a total disaster | Movies | San Luis Obispo
Co-writer/director Roland Emmerich helms this disaster film about Earth’s moon falling out of orbit and threatening to destroy our planet. Conspiracy theorist and amateur “megastructurist” KC Houseman (John Bradley) finds out what’s going on but can’t get NASA to listen, so he seeks out disgraced former astronaut Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson), who during a a space mission ten years ago lost a deputy crew to what he described as a dark swarm. Fellow astronaut Jocinda “Jo” Fowler (Halle Berry) lost consciousness during the mission and was unable to save her account, but now to save the planet and their respective family members, the two distant former colleagues must put aside their differences, launch into space and, with the help of Houseman, find a way to put the moon back in its orbit. (130 mins.)
glen It’s official! It’s the worst movie I’ve ever seen from start to finish. If we hadn’t looked at it, I would have walked out and never thought about it. Instead, I sat through over two hours of terribly bad dialogue, an absurd plot even by sci-fi standards, alternately wooden or hopelessly overacted performances, and silly CGI. And it’s not even like I came in with high expectations! I know what a hack Emmerich is. Sure, Independence Day (1996) was fun, The Patriot (2000) stirred melodrama, and stargate (1994) was smart sci-fi, but Two days later (2004), 2012 (2009), and pretty much all of his other films are explosive brain cell killers. moon fall is Emmerich’s dumbest film to date. If I told you the big reveal of the film, you would understand how terrible this waste of time is. Like many of his disaster films, there is a desperate but unsuccessful attempt to heighten emotional uproar. Both Fowler and Harper have estranged children and spouses who end up traveling together to a military installation, encountering danger at every turn. As the Moon gets closer to Earth, tsunamis hit, gravity goes crazy, and the atmosphere is sucked in. It’s all supposed to be very dramatic, and I kept hoping the movie would achieve “so bad it’s good” status, but no. This movie stinks.
Anne Hollywood is sometimes such a mystery to me. The way this script and this movie was lit is absolute madness to me – I feel like I’ve wasted over two hours of my life. I can’t imagine how much time (and frankly, spirit of life) has been lost to those involved in the making of this monstrosity. It’s meant to feel big and bold; instead, it’s garish and boring. They’re not bad actors either, so watching them play that drivel is painful. Berry won a Razzie for Worst Actress in 2005 for her role in the notoriously terrible catwoman, but at least this movie gave us something to laugh about. It takes itself so seriously, clumsily trying to extract emotions from the audience for characters we have absolutely no reason to care about. Of course, I wanted the children to survive – I’m no freak – but even their story is hard to understand. There are three writers listed on IMDB for this movie, and honestly, I’m flabbergasted by that. The painfully bad dialogue feels like what happens when 18 people badly write and edit a project that should have been scrapped from the start. I literally organized my purse while watching this in the darkened theater – sorting through old gum wrappers and receipts seemed like a much better use of my time.
glen In fact, you can’t blame Hollywood for this one. Shot in Montreal, the film’s budget was between $138 and $146 million, making it one of the most expensive independent films of all time. These independent producers—there are 16 listed on imdb.com– must be wringing their hands right now. So far, the movie has only made $3.4 million. What really blows me away is that the audience kind of liked it. It has an audience score of 68%! Who are these people? I’m actually surprised that the review score is so high at 40%! I love a B-movie, but that pile of steaming feces has no redeeming quality. What a waste of talent! Michael Peña plays car salesman Tom Lopez, who is now married to Harper’s ex-wife Brenda (Carolina Bartzcak). He’s meant to be a shallow jerk, a bit of some of the film’s lackluster attempts at humor, but his character arc is to become a hero. Everything is so awkward. The great Donald Sutherland is in there, having nothing to do. These actors deserve better, but I cringed watching them deliver the most mundane, faux-emotional dialogue ever put to paper. The film is intellectually offensive. Stay away.
Anne I really like Peña and Sutherland is an absolute treasure – both are totally wasted here. Why waste money and talent if you’re not going to give these people something interesting to do or say? It’s infuriating. They really threw the whole pot of spaghetti against the wall hoping something would stick, but it didn’t. Save your money and time on this one. Δ
Senior writer Glen Starkey and freelancer Anna Starkey write Split Screen. Glen compiles streaming lists. Comment to [email protected]